Example thread
Who: Sebastian and Pilar
What: Reunion
When: Saturday night (backdated)
Where: Teddy's
Status: Complete
Rating: PG-13
Being back in Rycade made him feel like he needed to double dose on that prescription his doctor in New York had given him. By the time dinner was over and he'd managed to make it back upstairs to his old room he was sleeping in again, his hands were shaking so badly he could barely get the bottle of pills open and swear words were flying, all but in a harsh whisper, from between his lips. Of course it was what he'd expected, why should it be any different? He'd gone without saying so much as a fair thee well. His little brother, 18 and off to college in the fall now, hated him and he made that hatred and anger apparent. Bastian only wished he could make the kid understand why he'd done it but he wasn't sure it wouldn't be anymore than hollow excuses. He had abandoned his family. There was no justifying that. Even if he'd done it for his own survival, it was the coward's way out. It had been a rash and impulsive decision and he'd done it the way that he had because he was afraid that he would change his mind if he didn't.
There wasn't anything rolling around in Bas's head tonight but the things he didn't want to think about. He'd gotten another letter from his mother. He still got them and he still wasn't opening them. Bastian hadn't read one of her letters though she sent one every month and had since she'd gone away. That's what he liked to call it if he was ever forced to say it out loud at all. Even in his own mind he preferred that, the softer words.
Despite the lack of make believe to fill his mind and keep sleep at bay, he was certain he would not easily find sleep anyway. He'd messed around online a little bit and had an invitation to Walker's for a free drink and to meet the self-proclaimed best bartender in town. So after his grandmother retired and he was certain she was settled for the night, he told his brother he was going out and he left the house in the car he'd rented in Austin. He'd fully intended on driving to Walkers but instead he found himself pulling into the parking lot of a bar that happened to be closer, as if he couldn't wait for that drink until he reached the other bar.
Nice, Bas. You're nothing like your alcoholic father. Right.
Walking through the door, he was immediately assaulted by the smell of liquor and a dimness his eyes took several moments to adjust to. The place was fairly crowded and Bastian didn't allow his gaze to wander much. Making eye contact felt like too much of a commitment at the moment. He went straight to the bar and ordered a bourbon and coke. It wasn't what his father used to drink.
Oh it was definitely a straight tequila night and the bartender knew it. Pilar didn't frequent Teddy's often. She didn't frequent it often because Sam didn't frequent it often. The resident trouble maker prefered something more along the lines of the louder, more music filled Walker's. Which was where she was tonight. Which was why Pilar lied, said Emilio was sick and snuck out her basement door in hopes of finding a little peace with herself...with the help of a little Jose of course. The night had started out well enough, with a random conversation with Ryan Daly a bartender at Walkers that for some reason she enjoyed harassing. As the conversation came to a close it was mentioned that Ryan, of course, was heading to work...to meet up with Sam. And that's where the night took a nose dive. Pilar wasn't even sure why she minded. She shouldn't have. She didn't like the man, but the second he'd said he was meeting Samantha Taylor something in Pili sighed a little heavily. Sure, he'd invited her but did he really think she'd go? Only to watch Sam throw herself all over him? Pass. Definitely pass.
Oh, and the night wasn't done with her yet. As if that wasn't enough on her mind, maybe an hour prior, in one of her typica bitch fits, Marianna, the second eldest Delgato child had snottily let it slip that Pilar's attitude was "why Sebastian hadn't come by to visit her." After yanking her 17 year old sister closer and glaring, Marianna had finally admitted that she'd heard from the younger Morgan boy that his brother was indeed intown after his disappearance two years ago. Without so much as a goodbye, post graduation, Sebastian Morgan had decied on what seemed like a whim to pack it all up and take off. Leaving behind Pilar, his then girlfriend, without even a Dear Jane letter. Figured. Pilar still wasn't sure what burned most: the fact that he'd left, or the fact that he hadn't asked her to go with him. She would have killed to get out of Rycade. Even if she never told him, or anyone else that.
Sighing heavily she nursed her drink further. Was it her? Ever the people pleaser, Pilar couldn't help but wonder had she done something? Even in high school she'd been a bit of a handful, but she never thought she'd been bad enough to not warrent a goodbye. Or even a hello. It hurt, she disdainfully admitted to herself. It hurt that the one boyfriend she did have didn't have anything to say to her, even after two years of dating and that the man whose company she begrudgingly admitted she enjoyed would rather party with her best friend.
Needless to say Pilar was not in the best of spirits. Pushing a sigh out of her lips, she pushed her dark hair back from her face and let her lashes drift down over sad blue eyes. Apparently those were the brakes. Hooking the heel of her cowboy boot on to the lowest rung on her stool, Pilar propped her head up on one hand and
nodded to the bartender who asked if she'd wanted another.
"Yeah, I guess." She knew she couldn't drink too much, she had to walk back home and chances were she'd have to pick up Samantha from Walker's. Another day in the life. "A couple more limes too."
Bastian wasn't sure what had his gaze traveling down the length of the bar. He was a guy who didn't search the crowd for a friendly face and didn't make eye contact for fear that someone actually would deign to talk to him. More often than not, he liked to sit in peace with his drink and his thoughts. Was it a bad sign that he preferred to drink alone? Bastian chose not to analyze that. It was easier not to know the answers to some questions. But there he was, his blue eyes traveling over the hunched over bodies on their stools, each of them nursing a drink of some kind. There was a moment he could have sworn his heart ceased to beat. He would know that profile anywhere, even after four years. He'd seen her in his dreams at times, closed his eyes and imagined her. Pili.
Upon returning to Rycade, he hadn't been sure that Pilar would even still be in town. He'd refused to even ask his grandmother because he was afraid of the answer. He was afraid that she would be long gone and he was afraid that she wouldn't be. But his brother, in a moment of anger and taking a cheap shot, had thrown it in his face that he'd broken her heart and left her behind and that she wouldn't be any happier to see him than the rest of Rycade was. Bas wasn't certain about the broken heart. Sure, they'd been close...shit, he'd loved her. He had. He'd loved her and he'd left her because he was a coward. He was afraid of turning out like his father if he stayed in Rycade. But running away hadn't really diminished that fear in any way.
Bastian knew he'd have to face Pili at some point. He couldn't very well sit at the end of that bar, knowing she was so close, and ignore her. The palms of his hands were sweaty as he lifted his glass and drained it's contents before getting to his feet. He walked slowly down the bar and slid into the space between her stool and the one next to her, offering a quiet "excuse me" to the female who was sitting there. For a moment he simply looked at Pilar; god she was still so beautiful. He tried to swallow back the lump in his throat before saying softly, "Hi, Pili."
The hand propping her head up pushed back further, her fingertips slipped easily into her straight hair. This was pathetic really. All she was doing was laying around and feeling sorry for herself. She probably should have gone home. Or--The thought that she should have gone to the Morgan place stopped her in her tracks. No. If Sebastian really was back then he could take care of his own family. God knew she had more than enough responsibilities to keep her busy, what with work and her quickly maturing siblings. Afterall, if he could leave then he could come back a pick up his own goddamn pieces. Her mood was extremely labile, as she simply hadn't had enough of Jose in her system to remove her cares yet. It was a work in progress.
The bartender had just brought her another round. Someone was crowding her space, which wasn't anything new at this bar or any others. With her dark hair, blue eyes and lithe figure, Pilar knew that she was physically desired. Even dressed as she was in well worn jeans, rolled up to mid calf, a tank top and a pair of black flip-flop sandals. At least until they realized that she was a messy package. A package that included a loud family that came first over everything. Pulling further into her corner, Pilar turned her shoulder to whoever was thinking today was his lucky day. She was about to thank the bartender for her drink but the words gracias died on her lips as a soft greeting reached her ears.
So he was back in town. And without so much of a fucking Hola. Of all the gin joints in the world... A myriad of emotions crossed her face; surprise, hurt and maybe something softer...much softer before anger turned her blue irises to ice. Without cue, her eyes narrowed and she turned. A beat of silence passed, but before another word could be spoken Pilar had picked up her full shot of tequila and threw it right at his face.
"Check. Now." She growled, out and slammed her shot glass back onto the bar.
Bas probably shouldn't have been shocked when he received the shot of tequila to the face and he was rather grateful she was drinking shots and not a full glass of something. But there was still a moment of surprise as liquid hit his face and his eyes fluttered shut against the assault. Of course she was angry and he didn't blame her. Whatever she dealt, he would take because he fucking deserved it. He deserved that shot of tequila and a hell of a lot more.
Bastian swiped his hand down his face and didn't even bother to glance at anyone else. Of course people were staring. Let them. He was used to it, at least in Rycade. "I'm sorry, Pili." Christ, that was incredibly lame and insufficient but was there anything that he could possibly say to make up for what he'd done? There wasn't any way she would understand his reasons for leaving or why he'd done it the way that he had. Why should he even bother? But he couldn't ignore the fact that they shared breathing space in the same town again, and tonight, in the same bar. He couldn't be back and not see or speak to Pili. He just wished he'd had a little more time to settle but things in the world seemed to happen in their own time. Bas didn't like not having that control but he'd realized long ago he couldn't always have control over everything. That didn't mean he'd learned to handle it any better.
He didn't take a step back from her and he wasn't going to. If she wanted to hit him or shove him or, fuck it, spit in his face, then he'd stand there and take that too. Bas wasn't worried about his own temper, not in this situation. Not yet anyway. This was the very least that he owed her, her chance to be angry and to tell him so if she chose. But she'd asked for the check like she was already done with him. Was she done? Was that all he'd get from her was a shot of liquor to the face? If she walked away with nothing more than that, it would hurt more than if she told him she hated him and screamed it from the top of her lungs.
Pilar could barely hear the silence behind the roaring in her ears. Of course the bar had gone silent. It wasn't often-- Okay, maybe often but not so often that they all wouldn't stop to watch the scene unfolding before them. The other patrons weren't even hiding their stairs, not that Pilar even noticed. Not that she even cared.
"I'm sorry Pili."
That only made her glare harder, the way he used her nickname. The familiar form of her name like he had any right to anymore. Maybe if he'd told her where he was going, maybe if he broke up with her to go there. No, instead he'd disappeared off the face of the earth, and maybe worst of all, he'd left her behind. Son of a bitch. Oh he had some nerve, some fucking nerve. She watched him wipe away the spilled Tequila from his face without so much as an angry glance. Glancing at the bartender, she started to order another, but he shook head head and walked away. "Waste of good liquor, Pilar. Not tonight."
"Maybe I was going to drink it," she hissed. "And where's my fucking check?!" This was a local bar in a small town, so chances were more than half of the patrons knew Pilar. They knew that for the most part she was pretty mild mannered. Came from a big family, usually ran with trouble but wasn't really trouble herself...unless you pissed her off. And whoever this sandy haired stranger was, had pissed her off.
"You're sorry." Her voice lilted with an obvious Hispanic accent. Another clear sign that she was furious. "After two fucking years you're SORRY?! YOU..--No, you know what? forget it. Take your sorry and keep it. I don't know what it God's name makes you think I want it now. Dios Mia." Slamming two fives on bar she turned and looked Sebastian straight in the eye. "Your sorrys, you keep them. Now get the hell out of my way."
Shit she was pissed as hell. The heavy accent that clung to her words told him more than the actual words she spat at him. Bas didn't like to see Pilar this upset, he'd never liked to see her upset and so many old and familiar feelings assaulted him at that moment. He'd missed her so much more than he'd allowed himself to ever feel while he was gone. How was he able to turn that off for so many years? How was he able to ignore it and still function? Is that what she'd felt when he had disappeared?
She told him to get the hell out of her way and he obliged by steppng out from between the stools so that she could exit hers. Most of the patrons in the bar were still staring, still hoping for some excitement. Some of them probably remembered him and probably still had one version or another of his story memorized. He wondered if they still talked about his alcoholic and dead father and his murdering mother. He wondered if they'd talked about while he was gone and still or if his reappearance in Rycade would start it all afresh. He wondered and it ate at his insides and made his stomach burn with the ulcer he thought he'd gotten under control until his return. Fuck, he hated Rycade. But he still cared for Pili.
"Pilar," he started, "please, can we talk?" He still had no idea what he would say to her but he didn't want to exist in this town with her so angry at him. He didn't want to take up space here knowing that she hurt because of him. How could he make it better? By leaving maybe but he couldn't do that, not now with his grandmother ill.
God, she shouldn't have been yelling. Sure she was angry but she was giving these people a show and if Pilar's love life was anything, it was not a show. Pathetic, sure, but no one's soap opera. Curling her hands into fists, Pilar moved around Sebastian as he stepped back, desperately trying to swallow back the confusion that was churing like a bad meal in her stomach. He should have stayed gone. Maybe then she would have been able to forget if he would have just stayed gone. Gone out of her slightly unsteady way. Shit. Maybe she'd had one too many shots. Maybe she should have stayed home long enough for dinner. The saying was true, one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...God forbid it was on an empty stomach. The fact that her anger had gotten her heart rate elevated meant that she'd only managed to force the alcohol through her system faster.
Slapping a hand out Pilar caught the wall and took a deep breath. Great. Now she looked more like Sam than she'd ever wanted to. Drunk and disruptive. The loud Mexican girl causing trouble. Probably here illegally anyway. Or maybe they were thinking about him. About his scorched alcohol soaked past. At least they'd be staring at him and not her. Which meant she could make her escape.
At least until, 'Pilar, please, can we talk?' Fury rose up from nowhere, stealing her breath for a moment. She had NEVER been this furious in her life. "¿Podemos hablar? Seriously, Sebastian." Reaching out she shoved at his shoulder, not caring that it mad her look even more unstable than she felt. "Can we talk? Sure, we could have talked, Uno, dos, tres years ago." She ticked off each year passed with her finger tips. "Si, we could have talked? But four years, FOUR FUCKING YEARS. NO." The bar was now completely silent save for her accented voice screaming at the taller man in front of her. "NO, we CANNOT talk. You make me sick." Turning her head, Pilar spat on the ground next to his feet and pushed her way toward the door, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.
The exit felt like it was miles away, like each step was taking far, far too long. God, she wanted out of here. She wanted to be home. Pilar wanted to be at home. She wanted to be waking up now from this stupid dream. It was true she'd dreamt about Sebastian in the past, but never, EVER like this. Where she was embarassing herself like she was Samantha fucking Taylor out on a binge. Finally she reached the door and threw it open, but the hot Texas air did nothing for her head. Absolutely nothing.
And, God help her, she still had to walk home.
The fuck? Was she drunk? Was Pilar drunk? Bastian had to fight the urge to reach out to her when her hand hit the wall in what looked like an attempt to steady herself. Did she do this often? Did she come to bars and toss back shots of tequila until she couldn't stand up straight? It wasn't that Bastian was judging her for it if she did, it was just that he was concerned. What had happened to Pili over the last four years? Was she hurting and lonely, so much so that she came to bars, apparently alone, and got drunk alone? Like he did? Did any of this have anything to do with him or was he just being conceited with such thoughts, to think that his leaving her would have or could have caused so much damage? Was Pilar damaged? Wasn't everyone? Some just carried more scars than others and some carried them more visibly.
He practically flinched as she counted off the years, those four years when not once did he phone her or write her. How could he have done that to her? Why? Because he knew it would have broken him. He couldn't hear her voice knowing he couldn't have her. And Bastian couldn't have her because he was afraid that he would damage her in far worse ways than maybe he already had. She shoved at his shoulder and still he did nothing but stand there.
"You make me sick." Bastian felt ill, hearing those words coming from her pretty lips, the lips he used to kiss. Damn it, this was harder than he'd even anticipated. She spat on the ground and his gaze fell to the floor as she walked away. He shoved a hand through his hair in frustration, causing it to stand up on end as it often did anyway. Goddamn it! Was she driving? Did she have a fucking car in the parking lot? He couldn't let her drive like that no matter how much she cursed at him for it.
Bastian went after her, shoving his own way through the crowd that was now fluttering with barely concealed whispers. What had this man done to make Pilar so angry? Some of them knew and, by the end of the night, the rest of them would as well. Fuck it, he didn't care. At least that was what he told himself. At the moment, it certainly wasn't the most important thing at the forefront of his mind.
He exited the bar, his gaze rapidly surveying the parking lot for her. She was walking but he wasnt' sure if she was headed for a vehicle or walking home. Either way, he wasn't about to let her go alone, not in the innebriated condition she was in. "Pili!" he called after her, jogging to catch up. "Where are you going? Did you drive?"
Way to go Pilar, she chided herself mentally. Way to fucking go. Flushed, frustrated and nauseated, Pilar continued to walk to the end of the parking lot praying that either the intoxicated feeling or the confusion would stop. She wasn't crazy enough to ask for both of them to clear up. That obviously wouldn't happen. Pausing she took a deep breath and pushed her hand against her forehead. Way to make a scene. God, she hadn't meant to make a scene. In her head, his unexpected arrival always played out so differently. Sometimes they were friendly with one another, but most times had her taking the high road. Playing the elegant martyr, forgiving him even though he didn't deserve it. Either way, no matter the scenario, she didn't act like she'd just acted in the bar, putting their business on display and revealing that she wasn't as over all of this as she thought.
Of all the nights in the world, he found her on tonight. The one night when she was sitting alone and lonely in a bar attempting to drink enough to forget. Wasn't that they way it worked? Why couldn't he have found her yesterday when she was in better spirits, eager to take on the--well that was taking it a little far, but she'd been in a better mood for sure. No, of course he found her when she was at her weakest and would have actually considered accepting his apology. (Granted, she would have considered accepting his apology on a good day, not that she was ready to admit that to herself.)
Pushing her dark hair back from her forehead, Pilar then crossed her arms over her chest, a clear signal that she was in no mood to be bothered. So of course, following the luck of the night, Sebastian followed her out. Hearing his footsteps, she tried to walk a little faster but found it did nothing for her nausea so she gave it up, allowing him to catch up.
"I'm going home, not that I owe you that. I don't have to tell you anything. And no, I didn't drive. Of course not. I'm not fucking stupid. And what are you doing anyway?!" Stopping, she turned to make certain he felt the full force of her icy glare. "Are you deaf, stupid or just that maochistic? Probably all fucking three, and while we're at it--" Realizing she was shouting again, Pilar lowered her voice and stepped forward, one finger pointed straight at his chest. "Why don't we tack sadist on there because you obviously, obviously take joy in the pain of others. Screw the fact that I was your girlfriend of two years, how could you leave your family like that? I thought I knew you better than that."
Turning around she threw her hands up in the air and stumbled a little, but strode on. "But isn't that what life's made of?" Now she was just venting. Initially when Sebastian had left, Pilar had taken the hit in stride, didn't miss a step even though her heart was broken. Obviously she still carried those scars and with his reappearance, it became obvious that a few of those scars didn't quite heal properly. "A bunch of different situations where you-your hoping for people to prove
just what they're made of and coming out completely disappointed. Disappointed and covered with the ashes from dreams you didn't—that you never even shared.
"So no, no thank you Sebastian Morgan. I. I am going home."
Jesus christ she was a mess and he...HE did this to her and Bas didn't know what to say because everything she said was true. Everything she flung at him, he was. He was stupid and he probably was a masochist. But sadist? No. Not that because he didn't enjoy seeing Pilar's pain. He didn't enjoy watching it play across her face and he didn't enjoy hearing it in her voice. The fact that he caused it was like a knife in his chest, all be it a knife he deserved. She should twist it and she could. With the right words, she could twist that knife and he wouldn't do anything about it. Would he? He couldn't. He couldn't yell back at her, he didn't have the right to. Not now. Not after what he'd done.
"Screw the fact that I was your girlfriend of two years, how could you leave your family like that? I thought I knew you better than that." There was a little twist. Bastian physically felt it in his chest and it was difficult to take his next breath. He didn't know how to tell her why he'd done it but if she needed him to try, if that would make any of this easier for her, then he would. She had known him. Aside from his little brother, she'd known him better than anyone else. She knew details about him he never shared with another human being. But he'd never told her that he was losing it. He'd never told her that he had glimpses into his nature and that those glimpses terrified him. He never told her he was turning into his father. But he'd once told her that he was afraid that he would. Maybe he should have told her the rest. But would she have tried to talk him out of going? That had been his biggest fear. Because he would have stayed if she'd asked or he would have taken her with him and then...then maybe he would have hurt her like his father hurt his mother.
He'd disappointed her, let her down. Another twist of the knife. That disappointment was probably nothing compared to how much he would have disappointed her if he'd stayed. If she just understood that. Would she if he explained it? Why couldn't anyone else see what he could potentially become? Why didn't that scare anyone but him? He was disappointed with himself too but for reasons that no one else seemed to know.
He watched her stumble forward and his hands clenched into fists at his sides to keep from reaching out to her. Bas didn't say anything through her entire tirade. He didn't say anything as he followed after her. If she was walking home, then he was damn sure going to see her there. Just because it was a small town didn't mean shit couldn't happen to a young woman out wandering drunk and alone. Didn't she know that? Didn't she care?
Oh Pilar was on a roll now. Turning around she put her hands on her hips, fingertips hitting the skin that was peeking out from above her low cut jeans and below her tanktop which had ridden up to mid navel. Was he really going to just stand there and take that? Of course she didn't throw everything she had at him. Even in her Tequilla soaked state, she didn't want to push the knife in too deep. Just make a couple superficial wounds that would eventually heal...after a day or two. Not like the wounds on her heart where the pieces didn't quite fit together right after that. That was cruel, and no matter how drunk or how angry, Pilar wasn't cruel. It wasn't in her nature. These outbursts of anger? Definitely. Completely avoiding him for the rest of her life? Absolutely. But she wasn't the kind of person to take all the fodder she had and throw it at someone in one fell swoop.
Listening around the typical night sounds of Rycade, Pilar sighed and continued to stand there, completely irritated. Yet a part of her was transported back four years to the memories she couldn't bear to forget. There were moments of happiness in this shattered fairytale. Talking on the phone for hours. Connecting with someone better than she'd ever connected in her life. Whispered secrets while curled up in her basement bedroom. Sneaking out afterdark. Sneaking back in. Getting caught. Something that maybe for the first time in her life felt like hers. Maybe she missed that most of all...
The relationship she'd had with Sebastian was one of the few things she had and didn't have to share with anyone. Sure, she had to juggle him with school, caring for her siblings, work, and anything else that came up along the way, but it worked. It worked in a way that she was certain nothing would work again. Which only made her want to scream at him more. Why'd he taken that away from her? What'd changed? ...What'd she done?... Any other night the thought probably wouldn't have crossed her mind, but tonight...tonight the thought crept to the forefront and left behind a trail of doubt that stung more than she'd ever admit.
Dropping her head for a moment, Pilar swallowed the insecurities that were starting to make a home in corners of her heart. Pursing her lips, she hardened her resolve and lifted her head again. "You even gonna bother to tell me why you left town?" And left me behind? And didn't tell me? And broke my heart? Unanswered questions made the air between them heavier. Oh, they definitely had some unfinished business and Pilar was ready to close the book now. If this chapter was really over, then it was time to be done. To live and let live. She'd already started this fight, might as well get somewhere with it.
Bastian wondered, for a just a moment, what this conversation would be if he were as drunk as she was. He wondered what he'd have the courage to say or do. The silence and near lack of response wasn't anything close to what she would have gotten if he'd had just a few more drinks before approaching her. But what kind of man did that make him? A man like his father and that just further proved the point that Bastian was not worthy of a woman like Pilar, or any woman for that matter. Because no one deserved to be saddled with someone who was a coward and lacked control. Jesus christ, did he really lack that much control? Seeing her again only made him question so many things that he'd ignored for the past four years; things he'd shoved to the back of his mind and locked up tight.
Why was life so complicated and so hard sometimes? Why couldn't it have stayed the way it was when he was a junior in high school and discovered that there was a girl out there who could understand and accept him? Why couldn't they go back to summer nights of lying in the tall soft grass in a field with nothing but the stars above them and the truck radio playing softly in the background of their conversations? They used to spend hours like that, needing nothing more than each other's company. Back then he would have sworn that nothing else in the world mattered as long as he had Pilar by his side. She'd made him a stronger person and taught him what it was like to love a girl but something changed and he didn't know how or why. Maybe it was inevitable that he grow into a man, the kind that couldn't trust himself.
Whatever it was, it was done. Bastian was what he was and he didn't know how to fix that. It was born into him like a faulty gene passed down through generations. God, he would never have children. Never. His stomach burned, the taste of it tinging the back of his throat and he turned away from her when she asked. He told himself he would tell her because she deserved that much and because maybe it would somehow ease the hurt. Maybe she'd be relieved to know what he'd spared her.
Bastian shoved a hand through his hair and took a deep, steadying breath before turning back to face her. His blue eyes held the intensity and weight of the words that were about to come out of his mouth. If he just knew what they were. How was he supposed to explain this to her? "Pili...I...I'm..." The air rushed from his lungs and then he inhaled, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment before opening them and forcing himself to continue. "I left because I was afraid I would hurt you. And I left because...I was running away from what I was becoming." But it didn't work. He couldn't run fast enough or far enough to escape what was inside him.
Pilar waited for the answer to the question she wasn't sure she'd even wanted to ask. And when she got the answer it was hardly the one she was looking for. Unable to hold back she spat out, "Are you fucking kidding me? Sebastian Morgan, please, please tell me you're kidding me. Please fucking tell me you didn't pack up all your shit, move to GOD knows where," Yep. She was yelling again. Just when she'd gotten herself calm again, he had to go and piss her off all over again. "because you were fucking SCARED of hurting me?!" By the time she finished her high pitched voice was another signal of her disbelief and her still intoxicated state. Shoving her hands into her dark hair she fisted her hands and looked at him with utter confusion. Absolute and utterconfusion.
Walking straight forward, Pilar this time, threw both hands out towards his shoulders wanting to shove him back. If she was lucky she throw him back on his ass, but she wasn't lucky and all the movement had really done was throw her off balance again. Stumbling forward she tripped and went down to her knees, ripping her jeans and her skin. Again, there was silence as Pilar tried to catch her breath. What was she doing? Her head dropped and her dark hair curtained her face.
Then, sitting in the middle of the road, knees down, Pilar started to laugh. Loudly. Uproariously. Like what she'd said, or maybe what he'd said had been the funniest thing in the world. In near hysterics she threw her head back and pressed her palms to her forehead. After a moment or two she tilted her head and looked up, blue eyes catching his gaze. "Did it ever, once, occur to you, that leaving would hurt me more? I bet you didn't. Selfish bastard."
Taking a deep breath, Pili pushed herself to her feet, waving off any assistance he may have offered. "And just, what the hell were you becoming, other than a fucking coward? Because I obviously, obviously missed the memo."
She didn't understand. She didn't get it and now he was getting frustrated and...angry. Was he the only sane person on the planet who was able to see it? Had no one witnessed his escalating violent outbursts before he'd left town? Maybe he'd never unleashed his anger on her, but for a few unfortunate assholes...well, they'd know what he was talking about. If he was capable of feeling such violence deep inside of himself, then he was capable of losing control of that violence. He had lost control of it. More than once. Never with Pili though. Never with any female but that was only because he'd left and only because, even now, he didn't allow himself to get that close to a woman. But there was still so much emotion, so many feelings present with Pili. There was still so much potential for things to go so terribly wrong. She'd do well to completely ignore him while he was back. They'd both be better off to play the game of avoidance. But he wasn't sure if he could. Fuck, he was a weak son of a bitch.
Sebastian blanched as she came towards him, her hands extended with the obvious intent to shove him again. He took but a slight step back and she ended up on her knees. He flinched when she hit the ground and he sank to his knees in front of her. She hung her head and he reached out with the intent to brush her hair back from her face, ask her if she was alright but his hands fell to his sides before he could do either of those things and before she could notice.
He was caught completely off guard when she laughed. The look that crossed his face must have displayed his confusion. What the hell did she find so goddamn funny about this situation? He felt his stomach knot and the familiar thrum of his heart as it accelerated. She looked up at him as he knelt there on the ground with her, and called him a selfish bastard. He was a selfish bastard for sparing her the pain and humiliation his mother faced daily from the abuse of her husband. He was a selfish bastard for leaving everyone he loved behind to protect them?
Sebastian wouldn't have his brother see him losing his temper in the same way their father had done. He'd shielded his baby brother from that, had done everything in his power to shield him from their father when they were little. He wasn't about to throw it all to fucking hell by making him watch as Sebastian turned into that very same thing. There were too many memories in Rycade, too many people to remind him of things that only made him angry. He tried to hold the anger in and he thought he'd be able to do it but he always eventually reached his breaking point. Maybe his father had been the same way at that age and at some point he'd stopped trying to control it all together. Sebastian didn't want to be like that.
It was by reflex that he reached out to help her as she began to rise but she waved him off. Of course. He stood, looking at her when she asked him what he was becoming. Yes, a coward. She was right. But other things as well. "You think you know what pain is, Pili, but you don't."
When he told her she didn't know what pain was Pilar's laughter stopped. Came to a an abrupt halt. "You sure?" She whispered. And with that she looked down at her dirt and blood stained pants. She saw the increasing bits of anger. Even saw the occasional fight, but for all the faith she had in him to be able to control himself, he apparently had none in himself. Pilar never felt threatened around him, ever. And so long as she was safe, well then the rest could be dealt with, right? It wasn't like he would fly off the handle fo no reason. However, thoughts of his anger and outbursts never crossed her mind in this moment, because he never gave her reason to. He never explained further why he'd left her and instead left her with a statement that maybe proved he didnt know her so well afterall.
Oh, Pilar knew pain. She knew the pain of putting dreams aside. Of watching her own hopes crumble only to help others build their own on the rubble. She clearly knew rejection and sacrifice. If after all of that she knew no pain? Well then, this was a fairy tale life and she was just a princess waiting for prince charming. More like waiting for prince charming to get his act together. But maybe he had. Maybe this was his act, and Pilar, well, she just couldn't deal.
"Thanks for making a bunch of half-assed decisions for me, Senor. You and everyone else seem real good at it. So go ahead, keep it up. Not like I care. Not like I feel any of it, because, you know, I don't feel pain. Yeah, of all the people in the world. You should know better than that." That was when the tears came, filling her her eyes to the brim and threatening to spill over her long lashes. Not that he'd see that, she'd turned around and with none of the bravado she'd had before, continued shuffling her way home.
"I'll manage from here. Go home."
He shouldn't have said that. He didn't know what he was saying anymore. He didn't know a goddamn fucking thing. But he was tired and apparently she was too. The early exuberance with which she'd yelled at him, seemed to be gone. He looked at her bloody knees and he had to look quickly away again. Pili wasn't supposed to ever bleed. He didn't like it and he didn't like the way that his return to Rycade was obviously hurting her. Maybe he shouldn't have come back at all. Maybe he should have insisted that his grandmother come to him in New York. There were better doctors there anyway but Grace didn't care. She seemed resigned to her own death.
"Shit," he muttered under his breath as she turned away. At least this was all very similar to the way he'd imagined it would be. Over and over again in his head. Of course there were half a dozen alternate endings he'd tacked onto this story he'd created in his imagination. Most of them were not happily ever after but, one of them was. That idea was probably best saved for paper because there was never any fucking happily ever after in Rycade. This town was like a damn cest pool for broken dreams. Pili shouldn't still be here. She shouldn't be unhappy. But maybe she wasn't. Maybe just tonight she was because of him. Maybe every other day she lived happily ever after and maybe she had someone new who loved her.
The thought made him visibly flinch even though he'd thought it a hundred times or more. He never expected that she wouldn't have someone. She was beautiful and smart and full of passion. She was everything. And it hurt because he still wanted her even if he didn't deserve her, it didn't stop him from wanting. But if he had to do it over, would he really change anything? Wasn't this for the best? Why the fuck did it have to suck so goddamn much?
He didn't want to let her go but he knew that he should. So he stood there and watched her, forcing his feet to stay planted where they were.
What: Reunion
When: Saturday night (backdated)
Where: Teddy's
Status: Complete
Rating: PG-13
Being back in Rycade made him feel like he needed to double dose on that prescription his doctor in New York had given him. By the time dinner was over and he'd managed to make it back upstairs to his old room he was sleeping in again, his hands were shaking so badly he could barely get the bottle of pills open and swear words were flying, all but in a harsh whisper, from between his lips. Of course it was what he'd expected, why should it be any different? He'd gone without saying so much as a fair thee well. His little brother, 18 and off to college in the fall now, hated him and he made that hatred and anger apparent. Bastian only wished he could make the kid understand why he'd done it but he wasn't sure it wouldn't be anymore than hollow excuses. He had abandoned his family. There was no justifying that. Even if he'd done it for his own survival, it was the coward's way out. It had been a rash and impulsive decision and he'd done it the way that he had because he was afraid that he would change his mind if he didn't.
There wasn't anything rolling around in Bas's head tonight but the things he didn't want to think about. He'd gotten another letter from his mother. He still got them and he still wasn't opening them. Bastian hadn't read one of her letters though she sent one every month and had since she'd gone away. That's what he liked to call it if he was ever forced to say it out loud at all. Even in his own mind he preferred that, the softer words.
Despite the lack of make believe to fill his mind and keep sleep at bay, he was certain he would not easily find sleep anyway. He'd messed around online a little bit and had an invitation to Walker's for a free drink and to meet the self-proclaimed best bartender in town. So after his grandmother retired and he was certain she was settled for the night, he told his brother he was going out and he left the house in the car he'd rented in Austin. He'd fully intended on driving to Walkers but instead he found himself pulling into the parking lot of a bar that happened to be closer, as if he couldn't wait for that drink until he reached the other bar.
Nice, Bas. You're nothing like your alcoholic father. Right.
Walking through the door, he was immediately assaulted by the smell of liquor and a dimness his eyes took several moments to adjust to. The place was fairly crowded and Bastian didn't allow his gaze to wander much. Making eye contact felt like too much of a commitment at the moment. He went straight to the bar and ordered a bourbon and coke. It wasn't what his father used to drink.
Oh it was definitely a straight tequila night and the bartender knew it. Pilar didn't frequent Teddy's often. She didn't frequent it often because Sam didn't frequent it often. The resident trouble maker prefered something more along the lines of the louder, more music filled Walker's. Which was where she was tonight. Which was why Pilar lied, said Emilio was sick and snuck out her basement door in hopes of finding a little peace with herself...with the help of a little Jose of course. The night had started out well enough, with a random conversation with Ryan Daly a bartender at Walkers that for some reason she enjoyed harassing. As the conversation came to a close it was mentioned that Ryan, of course, was heading to work...to meet up with Sam. And that's where the night took a nose dive. Pilar wasn't even sure why she minded. She shouldn't have. She didn't like the man, but the second he'd said he was meeting Samantha Taylor something in Pili sighed a little heavily. Sure, he'd invited her but did he really think she'd go? Only to watch Sam throw herself all over him? Pass. Definitely pass.
Oh, and the night wasn't done with her yet. As if that wasn't enough on her mind, maybe an hour prior, in one of her typica bitch fits, Marianna, the second eldest Delgato child had snottily let it slip that Pilar's attitude was "why Sebastian hadn't come by to visit her." After yanking her 17 year old sister closer and glaring, Marianna had finally admitted that she'd heard from the younger Morgan boy that his brother was indeed intown after his disappearance two years ago. Without so much as a goodbye, post graduation, Sebastian Morgan had decied on what seemed like a whim to pack it all up and take off. Leaving behind Pilar, his then girlfriend, without even a Dear Jane letter. Figured. Pilar still wasn't sure what burned most: the fact that he'd left, or the fact that he hadn't asked her to go with him. She would have killed to get out of Rycade. Even if she never told him, or anyone else that.
Sighing heavily she nursed her drink further. Was it her? Ever the people pleaser, Pilar couldn't help but wonder had she done something? Even in high school she'd been a bit of a handful, but she never thought she'd been bad enough to not warrent a goodbye. Or even a hello. It hurt, she disdainfully admitted to herself. It hurt that the one boyfriend she did have didn't have anything to say to her, even after two years of dating and that the man whose company she begrudgingly admitted she enjoyed would rather party with her best friend.
Needless to say Pilar was not in the best of spirits. Pushing a sigh out of her lips, she pushed her dark hair back from her face and let her lashes drift down over sad blue eyes. Apparently those were the brakes. Hooking the heel of her cowboy boot on to the lowest rung on her stool, Pilar propped her head up on one hand and
nodded to the bartender who asked if she'd wanted another.
"Yeah, I guess." She knew she couldn't drink too much, she had to walk back home and chances were she'd have to pick up Samantha from Walker's. Another day in the life. "A couple more limes too."
Bastian wasn't sure what had his gaze traveling down the length of the bar. He was a guy who didn't search the crowd for a friendly face and didn't make eye contact for fear that someone actually would deign to talk to him. More often than not, he liked to sit in peace with his drink and his thoughts. Was it a bad sign that he preferred to drink alone? Bastian chose not to analyze that. It was easier not to know the answers to some questions. But there he was, his blue eyes traveling over the hunched over bodies on their stools, each of them nursing a drink of some kind. There was a moment he could have sworn his heart ceased to beat. He would know that profile anywhere, even after four years. He'd seen her in his dreams at times, closed his eyes and imagined her. Pili.
Upon returning to Rycade, he hadn't been sure that Pilar would even still be in town. He'd refused to even ask his grandmother because he was afraid of the answer. He was afraid that she would be long gone and he was afraid that she wouldn't be. But his brother, in a moment of anger and taking a cheap shot, had thrown it in his face that he'd broken her heart and left her behind and that she wouldn't be any happier to see him than the rest of Rycade was. Bas wasn't certain about the broken heart. Sure, they'd been close...shit, he'd loved her. He had. He'd loved her and he'd left her because he was a coward. He was afraid of turning out like his father if he stayed in Rycade. But running away hadn't really diminished that fear in any way.
Bastian knew he'd have to face Pili at some point. He couldn't very well sit at the end of that bar, knowing she was so close, and ignore her. The palms of his hands were sweaty as he lifted his glass and drained it's contents before getting to his feet. He walked slowly down the bar and slid into the space between her stool and the one next to her, offering a quiet "excuse me" to the female who was sitting there. For a moment he simply looked at Pilar; god she was still so beautiful. He tried to swallow back the lump in his throat before saying softly, "Hi, Pili."
The hand propping her head up pushed back further, her fingertips slipped easily into her straight hair. This was pathetic really. All she was doing was laying around and feeling sorry for herself. She probably should have gone home. Or--The thought that she should have gone to the Morgan place stopped her in her tracks. No. If Sebastian really was back then he could take care of his own family. God knew she had more than enough responsibilities to keep her busy, what with work and her quickly maturing siblings. Afterall, if he could leave then he could come back a pick up his own goddamn pieces. Her mood was extremely labile, as she simply hadn't had enough of Jose in her system to remove her cares yet. It was a work in progress.
The bartender had just brought her another round. Someone was crowding her space, which wasn't anything new at this bar or any others. With her dark hair, blue eyes and lithe figure, Pilar knew that she was physically desired. Even dressed as she was in well worn jeans, rolled up to mid calf, a tank top and a pair of black flip-flop sandals. At least until they realized that she was a messy package. A package that included a loud family that came first over everything. Pulling further into her corner, Pilar turned her shoulder to whoever was thinking today was his lucky day. She was about to thank the bartender for her drink but the words gracias died on her lips as a soft greeting reached her ears.
So he was back in town. And without so much of a fucking Hola. Of all the gin joints in the world... A myriad of emotions crossed her face; surprise, hurt and maybe something softer...much softer before anger turned her blue irises to ice. Without cue, her eyes narrowed and she turned. A beat of silence passed, but before another word could be spoken Pilar had picked up her full shot of tequila and threw it right at his face.
"Check. Now." She growled, out and slammed her shot glass back onto the bar.
Bas probably shouldn't have been shocked when he received the shot of tequila to the face and he was rather grateful she was drinking shots and not a full glass of something. But there was still a moment of surprise as liquid hit his face and his eyes fluttered shut against the assault. Of course she was angry and he didn't blame her. Whatever she dealt, he would take because he fucking deserved it. He deserved that shot of tequila and a hell of a lot more.
Bastian swiped his hand down his face and didn't even bother to glance at anyone else. Of course people were staring. Let them. He was used to it, at least in Rycade. "I'm sorry, Pili." Christ, that was incredibly lame and insufficient but was there anything that he could possibly say to make up for what he'd done? There wasn't any way she would understand his reasons for leaving or why he'd done it the way that he had. Why should he even bother? But he couldn't ignore the fact that they shared breathing space in the same town again, and tonight, in the same bar. He couldn't be back and not see or speak to Pili. He just wished he'd had a little more time to settle but things in the world seemed to happen in their own time. Bas didn't like not having that control but he'd realized long ago he couldn't always have control over everything. That didn't mean he'd learned to handle it any better.
He didn't take a step back from her and he wasn't going to. If she wanted to hit him or shove him or, fuck it, spit in his face, then he'd stand there and take that too. Bas wasn't worried about his own temper, not in this situation. Not yet anyway. This was the very least that he owed her, her chance to be angry and to tell him so if she chose. But she'd asked for the check like she was already done with him. Was she done? Was that all he'd get from her was a shot of liquor to the face? If she walked away with nothing more than that, it would hurt more than if she told him she hated him and screamed it from the top of her lungs.
Pilar could barely hear the silence behind the roaring in her ears. Of course the bar had gone silent. It wasn't often-- Okay, maybe often but not so often that they all wouldn't stop to watch the scene unfolding before them. The other patrons weren't even hiding their stairs, not that Pilar even noticed. Not that she even cared.
"I'm sorry Pili."
That only made her glare harder, the way he used her nickname. The familiar form of her name like he had any right to anymore. Maybe if he'd told her where he was going, maybe if he broke up with her to go there. No, instead he'd disappeared off the face of the earth, and maybe worst of all, he'd left her behind. Son of a bitch. Oh he had some nerve, some fucking nerve. She watched him wipe away the spilled Tequila from his face without so much as an angry glance. Glancing at the bartender, she started to order another, but he shook head head and walked away. "Waste of good liquor, Pilar. Not tonight."
"Maybe I was going to drink it," she hissed. "And where's my fucking check?!" This was a local bar in a small town, so chances were more than half of the patrons knew Pilar. They knew that for the most part she was pretty mild mannered. Came from a big family, usually ran with trouble but wasn't really trouble herself...unless you pissed her off. And whoever this sandy haired stranger was, had pissed her off.
"You're sorry." Her voice lilted with an obvious Hispanic accent. Another clear sign that she was furious. "After two fucking years you're SORRY?! YOU..--No, you know what? forget it. Take your sorry and keep it. I don't know what it God's name makes you think I want it now. Dios Mia." Slamming two fives on bar she turned and looked Sebastian straight in the eye. "Your sorrys, you keep them. Now get the hell out of my way."
Shit she was pissed as hell. The heavy accent that clung to her words told him more than the actual words she spat at him. Bas didn't like to see Pilar this upset, he'd never liked to see her upset and so many old and familiar feelings assaulted him at that moment. He'd missed her so much more than he'd allowed himself to ever feel while he was gone. How was he able to turn that off for so many years? How was he able to ignore it and still function? Is that what she'd felt when he had disappeared?
She told him to get the hell out of her way and he obliged by steppng out from between the stools so that she could exit hers. Most of the patrons in the bar were still staring, still hoping for some excitement. Some of them probably remembered him and probably still had one version or another of his story memorized. He wondered if they still talked about his alcoholic and dead father and his murdering mother. He wondered if they'd talked about while he was gone and still or if his reappearance in Rycade would start it all afresh. He wondered and it ate at his insides and made his stomach burn with the ulcer he thought he'd gotten under control until his return. Fuck, he hated Rycade. But he still cared for Pili.
"Pilar," he started, "please, can we talk?" He still had no idea what he would say to her but he didn't want to exist in this town with her so angry at him. He didn't want to take up space here knowing that she hurt because of him. How could he make it better? By leaving maybe but he couldn't do that, not now with his grandmother ill.
God, she shouldn't have been yelling. Sure she was angry but she was giving these people a show and if Pilar's love life was anything, it was not a show. Pathetic, sure, but no one's soap opera. Curling her hands into fists, Pilar moved around Sebastian as he stepped back, desperately trying to swallow back the confusion that was churing like a bad meal in her stomach. He should have stayed gone. Maybe then she would have been able to forget if he would have just stayed gone. Gone out of her slightly unsteady way. Shit. Maybe she'd had one too many shots. Maybe she should have stayed home long enough for dinner. The saying was true, one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...God forbid it was on an empty stomach. The fact that her anger had gotten her heart rate elevated meant that she'd only managed to force the alcohol through her system faster.
Slapping a hand out Pilar caught the wall and took a deep breath. Great. Now she looked more like Sam than she'd ever wanted to. Drunk and disruptive. The loud Mexican girl causing trouble. Probably here illegally anyway. Or maybe they were thinking about him. About his scorched alcohol soaked past. At least they'd be staring at him and not her. Which meant she could make her escape.
At least until, 'Pilar, please, can we talk?' Fury rose up from nowhere, stealing her breath for a moment. She had NEVER been this furious in her life. "¿Podemos hablar? Seriously, Sebastian." Reaching out she shoved at his shoulder, not caring that it mad her look even more unstable than she felt. "Can we talk? Sure, we could have talked, Uno, dos, tres years ago." She ticked off each year passed with her finger tips. "Si, we could have talked? But four years, FOUR FUCKING YEARS. NO." The bar was now completely silent save for her accented voice screaming at the taller man in front of her. "NO, we CANNOT talk. You make me sick." Turning her head, Pilar spat on the ground next to his feet and pushed her way toward the door, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.
The exit felt like it was miles away, like each step was taking far, far too long. God, she wanted out of here. She wanted to be home. Pilar wanted to be at home. She wanted to be waking up now from this stupid dream. It was true she'd dreamt about Sebastian in the past, but never, EVER like this. Where she was embarassing herself like she was Samantha fucking Taylor out on a binge. Finally she reached the door and threw it open, but the hot Texas air did nothing for her head. Absolutely nothing.
And, God help her, she still had to walk home.
The fuck? Was she drunk? Was Pilar drunk? Bastian had to fight the urge to reach out to her when her hand hit the wall in what looked like an attempt to steady herself. Did she do this often? Did she come to bars and toss back shots of tequila until she couldn't stand up straight? It wasn't that Bastian was judging her for it if she did, it was just that he was concerned. What had happened to Pili over the last four years? Was she hurting and lonely, so much so that she came to bars, apparently alone, and got drunk alone? Like he did? Did any of this have anything to do with him or was he just being conceited with such thoughts, to think that his leaving her would have or could have caused so much damage? Was Pilar damaged? Wasn't everyone? Some just carried more scars than others and some carried them more visibly.
He practically flinched as she counted off the years, those four years when not once did he phone her or write her. How could he have done that to her? Why? Because he knew it would have broken him. He couldn't hear her voice knowing he couldn't have her. And Bastian couldn't have her because he was afraid that he would damage her in far worse ways than maybe he already had. She shoved at his shoulder and still he did nothing but stand there.
"You make me sick." Bastian felt ill, hearing those words coming from her pretty lips, the lips he used to kiss. Damn it, this was harder than he'd even anticipated. She spat on the ground and his gaze fell to the floor as she walked away. He shoved a hand through his hair in frustration, causing it to stand up on end as it often did anyway. Goddamn it! Was she driving? Did she have a fucking car in the parking lot? He couldn't let her drive like that no matter how much she cursed at him for it.
Bastian went after her, shoving his own way through the crowd that was now fluttering with barely concealed whispers. What had this man done to make Pilar so angry? Some of them knew and, by the end of the night, the rest of them would as well. Fuck it, he didn't care. At least that was what he told himself. At the moment, it certainly wasn't the most important thing at the forefront of his mind.
He exited the bar, his gaze rapidly surveying the parking lot for her. She was walking but he wasnt' sure if she was headed for a vehicle or walking home. Either way, he wasn't about to let her go alone, not in the innebriated condition she was in. "Pili!" he called after her, jogging to catch up. "Where are you going? Did you drive?"
Way to go Pilar, she chided herself mentally. Way to fucking go. Flushed, frustrated and nauseated, Pilar continued to walk to the end of the parking lot praying that either the intoxicated feeling or the confusion would stop. She wasn't crazy enough to ask for both of them to clear up. That obviously wouldn't happen. Pausing she took a deep breath and pushed her hand against her forehead. Way to make a scene. God, she hadn't meant to make a scene. In her head, his unexpected arrival always played out so differently. Sometimes they were friendly with one another, but most times had her taking the high road. Playing the elegant martyr, forgiving him even though he didn't deserve it. Either way, no matter the scenario, she didn't act like she'd just acted in the bar, putting their business on display and revealing that she wasn't as over all of this as she thought.
Of all the nights in the world, he found her on tonight. The one night when she was sitting alone and lonely in a bar attempting to drink enough to forget. Wasn't that they way it worked? Why couldn't he have found her yesterday when she was in better spirits, eager to take on the--well that was taking it a little far, but she'd been in a better mood for sure. No, of course he found her when she was at her weakest and would have actually considered accepting his apology. (Granted, she would have considered accepting his apology on a good day, not that she was ready to admit that to herself.)
Pushing her dark hair back from her forehead, Pilar then crossed her arms over her chest, a clear signal that she was in no mood to be bothered. So of course, following the luck of the night, Sebastian followed her out. Hearing his footsteps, she tried to walk a little faster but found it did nothing for her nausea so she gave it up, allowing him to catch up.
"I'm going home, not that I owe you that. I don't have to tell you anything. And no, I didn't drive. Of course not. I'm not fucking stupid. And what are you doing anyway?!" Stopping, she turned to make certain he felt the full force of her icy glare. "Are you deaf, stupid or just that maochistic? Probably all fucking three, and while we're at it--" Realizing she was shouting again, Pilar lowered her voice and stepped forward, one finger pointed straight at his chest. "Why don't we tack sadist on there because you obviously, obviously take joy in the pain of others. Screw the fact that I was your girlfriend of two years, how could you leave your family like that? I thought I knew you better than that."
Turning around she threw her hands up in the air and stumbled a little, but strode on. "But isn't that what life's made of?" Now she was just venting. Initially when Sebastian had left, Pilar had taken the hit in stride, didn't miss a step even though her heart was broken. Obviously she still carried those scars and with his reappearance, it became obvious that a few of those scars didn't quite heal properly. "A bunch of different situations where you-your hoping for people to prove
just what they're made of and coming out completely disappointed. Disappointed and covered with the ashes from dreams you didn't—that you never even shared.
"So no, no thank you Sebastian Morgan. I. I am going home."
Jesus christ she was a mess and he...HE did this to her and Bas didn't know what to say because everything she said was true. Everything she flung at him, he was. He was stupid and he probably was a masochist. But sadist? No. Not that because he didn't enjoy seeing Pilar's pain. He didn't enjoy watching it play across her face and he didn't enjoy hearing it in her voice. The fact that he caused it was like a knife in his chest, all be it a knife he deserved. She should twist it and she could. With the right words, she could twist that knife and he wouldn't do anything about it. Would he? He couldn't. He couldn't yell back at her, he didn't have the right to. Not now. Not after what he'd done.
"Screw the fact that I was your girlfriend of two years, how could you leave your family like that? I thought I knew you better than that." There was a little twist. Bastian physically felt it in his chest and it was difficult to take his next breath. He didn't know how to tell her why he'd done it but if she needed him to try, if that would make any of this easier for her, then he would. She had known him. Aside from his little brother, she'd known him better than anyone else. She knew details about him he never shared with another human being. But he'd never told her that he was losing it. He'd never told her that he had glimpses into his nature and that those glimpses terrified him. He never told her he was turning into his father. But he'd once told her that he was afraid that he would. Maybe he should have told her the rest. But would she have tried to talk him out of going? That had been his biggest fear. Because he would have stayed if she'd asked or he would have taken her with him and then...then maybe he would have hurt her like his father hurt his mother.
He'd disappointed her, let her down. Another twist of the knife. That disappointment was probably nothing compared to how much he would have disappointed her if he'd stayed. If she just understood that. Would she if he explained it? Why couldn't anyone else see what he could potentially become? Why didn't that scare anyone but him? He was disappointed with himself too but for reasons that no one else seemed to know.
He watched her stumble forward and his hands clenched into fists at his sides to keep from reaching out to her. Bas didn't say anything through her entire tirade. He didn't say anything as he followed after her. If she was walking home, then he was damn sure going to see her there. Just because it was a small town didn't mean shit couldn't happen to a young woman out wandering drunk and alone. Didn't she know that? Didn't she care?
Oh Pilar was on a roll now. Turning around she put her hands on her hips, fingertips hitting the skin that was peeking out from above her low cut jeans and below her tanktop which had ridden up to mid navel. Was he really going to just stand there and take that? Of course she didn't throw everything she had at him. Even in her Tequilla soaked state, she didn't want to push the knife in too deep. Just make a couple superficial wounds that would eventually heal...after a day or two. Not like the wounds on her heart where the pieces didn't quite fit together right after that. That was cruel, and no matter how drunk or how angry, Pilar wasn't cruel. It wasn't in her nature. These outbursts of anger? Definitely. Completely avoiding him for the rest of her life? Absolutely. But she wasn't the kind of person to take all the fodder she had and throw it at someone in one fell swoop.
Listening around the typical night sounds of Rycade, Pilar sighed and continued to stand there, completely irritated. Yet a part of her was transported back four years to the memories she couldn't bear to forget. There were moments of happiness in this shattered fairytale. Talking on the phone for hours. Connecting with someone better than she'd ever connected in her life. Whispered secrets while curled up in her basement bedroom. Sneaking out afterdark. Sneaking back in. Getting caught. Something that maybe for the first time in her life felt like hers. Maybe she missed that most of all...
The relationship she'd had with Sebastian was one of the few things she had and didn't have to share with anyone. Sure, she had to juggle him with school, caring for her siblings, work, and anything else that came up along the way, but it worked. It worked in a way that she was certain nothing would work again. Which only made her want to scream at him more. Why'd he taken that away from her? What'd changed? ...What'd she done?... Any other night the thought probably wouldn't have crossed her mind, but tonight...tonight the thought crept to the forefront and left behind a trail of doubt that stung more than she'd ever admit.
Dropping her head for a moment, Pilar swallowed the insecurities that were starting to make a home in corners of her heart. Pursing her lips, she hardened her resolve and lifted her head again. "You even gonna bother to tell me why you left town?" And left me behind? And didn't tell me? And broke my heart? Unanswered questions made the air between them heavier. Oh, they definitely had some unfinished business and Pilar was ready to close the book now. If this chapter was really over, then it was time to be done. To live and let live. She'd already started this fight, might as well get somewhere with it.
Bastian wondered, for a just a moment, what this conversation would be if he were as drunk as she was. He wondered what he'd have the courage to say or do. The silence and near lack of response wasn't anything close to what she would have gotten if he'd had just a few more drinks before approaching her. But what kind of man did that make him? A man like his father and that just further proved the point that Bastian was not worthy of a woman like Pilar, or any woman for that matter. Because no one deserved to be saddled with someone who was a coward and lacked control. Jesus christ, did he really lack that much control? Seeing her again only made him question so many things that he'd ignored for the past four years; things he'd shoved to the back of his mind and locked up tight.
Why was life so complicated and so hard sometimes? Why couldn't it have stayed the way it was when he was a junior in high school and discovered that there was a girl out there who could understand and accept him? Why couldn't they go back to summer nights of lying in the tall soft grass in a field with nothing but the stars above them and the truck radio playing softly in the background of their conversations? They used to spend hours like that, needing nothing more than each other's company. Back then he would have sworn that nothing else in the world mattered as long as he had Pilar by his side. She'd made him a stronger person and taught him what it was like to love a girl but something changed and he didn't know how or why. Maybe it was inevitable that he grow into a man, the kind that couldn't trust himself.
Whatever it was, it was done. Bastian was what he was and he didn't know how to fix that. It was born into him like a faulty gene passed down through generations. God, he would never have children. Never. His stomach burned, the taste of it tinging the back of his throat and he turned away from her when she asked. He told himself he would tell her because she deserved that much and because maybe it would somehow ease the hurt. Maybe she'd be relieved to know what he'd spared her.
Bastian shoved a hand through his hair and took a deep, steadying breath before turning back to face her. His blue eyes held the intensity and weight of the words that were about to come out of his mouth. If he just knew what they were. How was he supposed to explain this to her? "Pili...I...I'm..." The air rushed from his lungs and then he inhaled, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment before opening them and forcing himself to continue. "I left because I was afraid I would hurt you. And I left because...I was running away from what I was becoming." But it didn't work. He couldn't run fast enough or far enough to escape what was inside him.
Pilar waited for the answer to the question she wasn't sure she'd even wanted to ask. And when she got the answer it was hardly the one she was looking for. Unable to hold back she spat out, "Are you fucking kidding me? Sebastian Morgan, please, please tell me you're kidding me. Please fucking tell me you didn't pack up all your shit, move to GOD knows where," Yep. She was yelling again. Just when she'd gotten herself calm again, he had to go and piss her off all over again. "because you were fucking SCARED of hurting me?!" By the time she finished her high pitched voice was another signal of her disbelief and her still intoxicated state. Shoving her hands into her dark hair she fisted her hands and looked at him with utter confusion. Absolute and utterconfusion.
Walking straight forward, Pilar this time, threw both hands out towards his shoulders wanting to shove him back. If she was lucky she throw him back on his ass, but she wasn't lucky and all the movement had really done was throw her off balance again. Stumbling forward she tripped and went down to her knees, ripping her jeans and her skin. Again, there was silence as Pilar tried to catch her breath. What was she doing? Her head dropped and her dark hair curtained her face.
Then, sitting in the middle of the road, knees down, Pilar started to laugh. Loudly. Uproariously. Like what she'd said, or maybe what he'd said had been the funniest thing in the world. In near hysterics she threw her head back and pressed her palms to her forehead. After a moment or two she tilted her head and looked up, blue eyes catching his gaze. "Did it ever, once, occur to you, that leaving would hurt me more? I bet you didn't. Selfish bastard."
Taking a deep breath, Pili pushed herself to her feet, waving off any assistance he may have offered. "And just, what the hell were you becoming, other than a fucking coward? Because I obviously, obviously missed the memo."
She didn't understand. She didn't get it and now he was getting frustrated and...angry. Was he the only sane person on the planet who was able to see it? Had no one witnessed his escalating violent outbursts before he'd left town? Maybe he'd never unleashed his anger on her, but for a few unfortunate assholes...well, they'd know what he was talking about. If he was capable of feeling such violence deep inside of himself, then he was capable of losing control of that violence. He had lost control of it. More than once. Never with Pili though. Never with any female but that was only because he'd left and only because, even now, he didn't allow himself to get that close to a woman. But there was still so much emotion, so many feelings present with Pili. There was still so much potential for things to go so terribly wrong. She'd do well to completely ignore him while he was back. They'd both be better off to play the game of avoidance. But he wasn't sure if he could. Fuck, he was a weak son of a bitch.
Sebastian blanched as she came towards him, her hands extended with the obvious intent to shove him again. He took but a slight step back and she ended up on her knees. He flinched when she hit the ground and he sank to his knees in front of her. She hung her head and he reached out with the intent to brush her hair back from her face, ask her if she was alright but his hands fell to his sides before he could do either of those things and before she could notice.
He was caught completely off guard when she laughed. The look that crossed his face must have displayed his confusion. What the hell did she find so goddamn funny about this situation? He felt his stomach knot and the familiar thrum of his heart as it accelerated. She looked up at him as he knelt there on the ground with her, and called him a selfish bastard. He was a selfish bastard for sparing her the pain and humiliation his mother faced daily from the abuse of her husband. He was a selfish bastard for leaving everyone he loved behind to protect them?
Sebastian wouldn't have his brother see him losing his temper in the same way their father had done. He'd shielded his baby brother from that, had done everything in his power to shield him from their father when they were little. He wasn't about to throw it all to fucking hell by making him watch as Sebastian turned into that very same thing. There were too many memories in Rycade, too many people to remind him of things that only made him angry. He tried to hold the anger in and he thought he'd be able to do it but he always eventually reached his breaking point. Maybe his father had been the same way at that age and at some point he'd stopped trying to control it all together. Sebastian didn't want to be like that.
It was by reflex that he reached out to help her as she began to rise but she waved him off. Of course. He stood, looking at her when she asked him what he was becoming. Yes, a coward. She was right. But other things as well. "You think you know what pain is, Pili, but you don't."
When he told her she didn't know what pain was Pilar's laughter stopped. Came to a an abrupt halt. "You sure?" She whispered. And with that she looked down at her dirt and blood stained pants. She saw the increasing bits of anger. Even saw the occasional fight, but for all the faith she had in him to be able to control himself, he apparently had none in himself. Pilar never felt threatened around him, ever. And so long as she was safe, well then the rest could be dealt with, right? It wasn't like he would fly off the handle fo no reason. However, thoughts of his anger and outbursts never crossed her mind in this moment, because he never gave her reason to. He never explained further why he'd left her and instead left her with a statement that maybe proved he didnt know her so well afterall.
Oh, Pilar knew pain. She knew the pain of putting dreams aside. Of watching her own hopes crumble only to help others build their own on the rubble. She clearly knew rejection and sacrifice. If after all of that she knew no pain? Well then, this was a fairy tale life and she was just a princess waiting for prince charming. More like waiting for prince charming to get his act together. But maybe he had. Maybe this was his act, and Pilar, well, she just couldn't deal.
"Thanks for making a bunch of half-assed decisions for me, Senor. You and everyone else seem real good at it. So go ahead, keep it up. Not like I care. Not like I feel any of it, because, you know, I don't feel pain. Yeah, of all the people in the world. You should know better than that." That was when the tears came, filling her her eyes to the brim and threatening to spill over her long lashes. Not that he'd see that, she'd turned around and with none of the bravado she'd had before, continued shuffling her way home.
"I'll manage from here. Go home."
He shouldn't have said that. He didn't know what he was saying anymore. He didn't know a goddamn fucking thing. But he was tired and apparently she was too. The early exuberance with which she'd yelled at him, seemed to be gone. He looked at her bloody knees and he had to look quickly away again. Pili wasn't supposed to ever bleed. He didn't like it and he didn't like the way that his return to Rycade was obviously hurting her. Maybe he shouldn't have come back at all. Maybe he should have insisted that his grandmother come to him in New York. There were better doctors there anyway but Grace didn't care. She seemed resigned to her own death.
"Shit," he muttered under his breath as she turned away. At least this was all very similar to the way he'd imagined it would be. Over and over again in his head. Of course there were half a dozen alternate endings he'd tacked onto this story he'd created in his imagination. Most of them were not happily ever after but, one of them was. That idea was probably best saved for paper because there was never any fucking happily ever after in Rycade. This town was like a damn cest pool for broken dreams. Pili shouldn't still be here. She shouldn't be unhappy. But maybe she wasn't. Maybe just tonight she was because of him. Maybe every other day she lived happily ever after and maybe she had someone new who loved her.
The thought made him visibly flinch even though he'd thought it a hundred times or more. He never expected that she wouldn't have someone. She was beautiful and smart and full of passion. She was everything. And it hurt because he still wanted her even if he didn't deserve her, it didn't stop him from wanting. But if he had to do it over, would he really change anything? Wasn't this for the best? Why the fuck did it have to suck so goddamn much?
He didn't want to let her go but he knew that he should. So he stood there and watched her, forcing his feet to stay planted where they were.
